Stop complaining! Your existence is cozy, comfy, and full of soft anti-moisture material. Before 1950 flu season meant that half of your friends were going to die, now it’s just a quick stop at Walmart to get a vaccine shot. Man up and let that scab get infected.
The last living members of the Greatest Generation, who fought in World War II and watched JFK get shot in Dallas, will use their final breaths to remind their offspring that, prior to 1950, no one was comfortable and everyone had rashes.
Heavy wool clothing and a lack of medical knowledge meant that kings, presidents, tyrants, and captains of high school basketball squads were subject to an endless assault of rashes, itches, and infections all over their body.
Films may have you believe that great teachers walked through campuses with an eager group of students walking behind them and asking intelligent questions. Lies. Any activity that generated skin-to-skin contact was an ordeal. What made great men of the past great was not what they did once they woke up, instead it was the mere fact that they could sleep through the night without waking to intense irritation of skin and sinuses. Men who were courageous enough to leave their houses despite endless rash were the men who had the opportunity to be great.
The softest skin in the year 1876 could sand the corner off of a 2 by 4 in a few seconds. Lotions did not exist. Rashes simply were. You developed a rash and prayed that it would someday leave.
While Thomas Jefferson wrote the words that made America free he compulsively scratched his inner elbows. He rolled up his sleeves while walking through a prairie and damned himself to endless itching.
When Alexander the Great conquered the known world he did so with a wicked case of athlete’s foot. A modern man fears leaving the house without an antiperspirant deodorant.
William Shakespeare’s original manuscripts are filled with flakes of skin caused by chronic eczema.
Bless you, and bless your synthetic underwear, because you live in the magnificent, smooth-thighed future.